Today's post is basically about my self-dissapointment I've been feeling lately. In Drake's song Look What You've Done he basically is rapping to his mother and talking about their relationship and the good and bad that has come from their relationship and how it affected his change. The song is kind of like a swan song to his mother for changing him through good and bad and him reassuring her that no matter what, he will always love her.
The reason that the title of today's post is Look What I've Done is because I have been having a similar conversation with myself these last few weeks as I've come to grips with all that I've done, both good and bad, and how much it has changed me and that while overall I've become a much better version of myself then when I was 16, I still can be better and have been but have relapsed on occasion and find myself in the middle of a relapse right now. I am basically writing this post today for my benefit, to make sense of the battle over my identity that I have been having for years.
Calvin, yes you have done terrible things. You have also done wonderful things. Yes, life has sucked. It has also been amazing. Yes, you have and still feel anger beyond anything else and wish to make everyone around you as well as yourself burn for it. You have also felt great happiness with friends and family.
Yes, you may not know who you are or where you are going or why it seems to take so long. You are Calvin, you are progressing to become a better version of yourself, one without anger and hatred, and it will take as long as it must.
Everything you've done- everything I've done, is what makes up the miles of your journey. That journey is not yet over and though you may regret those steps taken, without them you could never have advanced forward towards your goal.
Calvin, Look What You've Done. You've tried to find yourself, but don't give up for you are nearing your goal. You've gone through life with your great flaws and you've overcome the worst of them.
You've done wonderful. So say again,
Look What I've Done
Thank You
This is me
I've come to the conclusion somewhat recently that one of my greatest desires in life is that it won't be meaningless. Now what do I mean by that? I couldn't even really tell you that, it's an ever evolving thought that I only recently have come to grasp. To summarize it's current meaning to me, however, is something I can do for you, for myself.
My previous motto or meaning for life was, simply put, to live my life to the fullest without regrets so that one day I may look back and be proud of the journey I took. While I still share this dream it has changed somewhat slightly. I've come to realize that while that self assurance is all well and good, it alone will not make me happy with my years spent.
I want to live my life the way I see fit, along my own path on my own journey. I want to experience all that I can so that I may learn all that I can. I wish to regret nothing, embrace everything. And I wish to not simply fade away after my time has come with a sense of self satisfaction. I want others to learn from my time. Teach those that are lost without forcing them to see. Share my thoughts with those that would wish to hear them. From my future children to my present friends and forever strangers, I wish for anyone and everyone to be able to regard my stories as advice (with questionable reliability at worst) and learn something from me and learn of me.
I refuse to fade to nothing, depart this plane with no one to witness my absence. I will be heard, I will be remembered, I will die yet I will still live. This is my wish in life.
These stories are how I plan to make it happen.
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