This is me

I've come to the conclusion somewhat recently that one of my greatest desires in life is that it won't be meaningless. Now what do I mean by that? I couldn't even really tell you that, it's an ever evolving thought that I only recently have come to grasp. To summarize it's current meaning to me, however, is something I can do for you, for myself.

My previous motto or meaning for life was, simply put, to live my life to the fullest without regrets so that one day I may look back and be proud of the journey I took. While I still share this dream it has changed somewhat slightly. I've come to realize that while that self assurance is all well and good, it alone will not make me happy with my years spent.

I want to live my life the way I see fit, along my own path on my own journey. I want to experience all that I can so that I may learn all that I can. I wish to regret nothing, embrace everything. And I wish to not simply fade away after my time has come with a sense of self satisfaction. I want others to learn from my time. Teach those that are lost without forcing them to see. Share my thoughts with those that would wish to hear them. From my future children to my present friends and forever strangers, I wish for anyone and everyone to be able to regard my stories as advice (with questionable reliability at worst) and learn something from me and learn of me.

I refuse to fade to nothing, depart this plane with no one to witness my absence. I will be heard, I will be remembered, I will die yet I will still live. This is my wish in life.

These stories are how I plan to make it happen.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

It's Been Awhile... (since I could hold my head up high)

   Oddly that song pretty much sums up whats going on with me this past month but I've been lately listening to mostly Drake, Lupe Fiasco, Wale, J. Cole, and OutKast.  If you wanna know what Pandora channel to create then make those because those artists have some of the chillest rap ever (Eminem still #1 though haha).
  
   But anyway, this past month or so I've been slipping in a lot of things that I've tried to better myself by and it's all pretty much destroying me.  Or at least it was.  Well, let's be honest.  It has.  Pretty thoroughly in fact.  I've been edging closer and closer to some of my past ways that I wished I would never again slip on.  It was kinda scary to be honest.  I really felt like I didn't know who the hell I was.
  
   I mean I still don't know who I am but I DO know that I'm not that dark person I used to be.  That dark person who so carelessly attempted to beat his dominance into anyone who challenged him.  That dark person who went so far as to get beat within an inch of death, and do the same to another human being.  It is because of that dark person that I wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and gasping, glad my roommate is a deep sleeper.  It is because of that dark person that I have so many scars.  Knife scars, scars on my knuckles, scars on my soul that can turn white but will never fade away.  It is because of that dark person that I'm so damaged.  Not broken, no I've been told by too many people who amazingly care for me some how to think that I was broken.  Maybe that almighty pawn shop owner in the sky will see some value in all my tarnished scrap.  Hopefully.

   Sorry, I know that was extremely depressing and if you're confused at some of the events that I hinted at; I'll tell you all in time.  Once I feel that I can tell it to the whole public to read at their leisure then I will let you all know.

  So I have slowly gotten back into the grind of school: going to classes, doing work, not avoiding my professors.  I've been relying on friends and music mostly lately to get me to smile at the day to day because honestly I usually have no reason to.  But enough of this depressing attitude!  Let us end this post on a good note!  

  The good note is that Drake's new album Take Care is almost out and it was leaked for about two days on youtube and I listened to a good amount of it and it's extremely chill.  I so cannot wait.  I even took a new Facebook profile picture specifically to rep for that OVOXO love.


So until next time yall!  Much love

OVOXO
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