Courage, Disappointment, and Apathy

   This is all coming from an extremely recent experience (as in tonight) but also from past experiences I have had.  Now let's begin.

   Courage.  Courage can be broken down into many things; courage in battle, courage in sports, courage in school, and even courage in "love" just to name a few.  Despite the various situations in which courage can be applied, it's always basically deriving of some kind of fear and the overcoming of said fear in order to achieve some sort of goal.  This is always true.
   In my life I've been through numerous situations in which others would require courage in order to progress but I pushed forward without so much as a hesitation.  Fights, clubs, parties, relationships that were never going to go anywhere to begin with are some of the situations in which I could perform well with no need for courage because frankly, I had no fear.  Well, for the first time in a long time tonight I needed courage in order to do something because frankly, I was afraid.  As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth.  But that courage allowed me to overcome that fear and I accomplished my half of my objective.  However this leads me into my next buzz word.

  Disappointment.  Now, In my opinion disappointment only really comes when one needed courage to begin with.  If there was no fear present, then failure means very little as it took little effort to seek out the goal.  This was not the case tonight.
   Tonight I did overcome whatever fear I had but unfortunately It did not pay off.  This welcomes disappointment.  Not in myself but in the fact that It didn't work out.  But I am glad that I did overcome the "fear" so to be honest while my failure does suck, I'm not as miffed as I would be if I never even overcame the fear to begin with.  Thus invites Apathy.

  Apathy.  Not in a negative way of course but more in the fact that the disappointment wont bother me much because I'm just glad that I overcame whatever obstacle was in my way.  So I won't let myself focus much on the said "failure" because to be honest and in my opinion, I succeeded.


  That is all

Deserted

   This Thanksgiving weekend I will be on campus, eating with my parents whilst about 90% of everyone else will be gone.  This became apparent to me when I walked out of my dorm earlier and saw no one.   Kinda weird.
 
    So I don't really know what I will be doing this weekend.  I'll eat a crap ton of turkey tomorrow of course but besides that I'm not sure.  Oh well, I'll figure something out.  Hopefully.

I'm Sick of Sleep

  Sounds crazy I know but let me explain.  I'm sick of sleep for two reasons.

  One, I'm an Insomniac so I never get tired until 3 AM anyway and I've always been able to sleep for three hours and be fine.  Therefore I never really cared for sleep.

  And two, sleep inspires dreams and dreaming is the only medium in which I have no control as to which memories of my past come to the forefront of my subconscious.  Therefore I suffer night terrors several times a week and lately It has been happening every night.

  Now I'm not insane even though this would inspire that thought for sure.  The insomnia I've always had and the night terrors are really PTSD attacks.  I have dreams reliving things that I would die happy never remembering again and I wake up gasping (sometimes shouting) and drenched In sweat.  I honestly hate it.

  The memories that inspire the attacks are things that i've done or seen back when I was that Dark version of myself that I've referred to before.  Back when I got into street fights, knife fights, got shot at, got stabbed (twice), been held at gunpoint twice, when I was beaten within an inch of my life and when I came centimeters from killing another human being in my angered fury.  When I've seen various people shot in front of me, various gang members bones crunching under my power, and the one time I saw a ten year old's neck snapped like it was nothing all because some asshole thought the kid was annoying.  


  These are the things I see, the things that keep me up at night.  


  These are why I hate sleep

Imma Imma Do Me

  Cuz nigga Imma Beast.  Basically what today's post is about is about haters, fakers, and demotivators haha.  Forreal though, If there is one thing I cant stand then it's when people try to think that they're superior based off of some bullshit fact that they decide to live by.  I mean when a person tries to talk to me like they KNOW me when they dont know shit and they try to judge me and anyone else based on their own made up elevated status.  It really pisses me off.

   Like seriously if for whatever reason you wanna piss me off then the two things that get me hot no matter WHO it is that says it are

1. When someone tries to say stupid stuff like that I'm not black or that I'm not 'hard' or whatever.  trying to tell me like what I've been through in my life means nothing.  gets me sooooooo pissed off.  
2. When friends or people I thought I was cool with suddenly change and act like they've done forgot who their friends are and try and make me look like some kind of enemy.  Like WTF?! I'm here trying to help yo ass out and be your friend and then you gonna turn on me?!!!!  And especially when they try and come back to me later like nothing was wrong or that it had nothing to do with me like how dare I be mad that they blew me off.  Gets me heated thinking about it.  

  Yeah so basically, if you ever wanna piss me off to the point where I'll kick you ass, then do #1.  

   If you ever want to ruin my trust in you and lose our friendship, then do #2.  

  I'm not conceited and I try to be everyone's friend.  I dont care who you are, as long as you dont piss me off I'm happy to be your friend because to be honest friendship is the most important thing to me.  But burn my bridges down and I'm not gonna fund the recreation project.  Fuck that.  I dont deal with BS like that.  That's what I mean by Imma Do Me.  Thats what I mean by Swagg.  Thats what I mean by Boss.  I dont deal with the bullshit because frankly, I dont have to.  

Sorry for the language

My Rap and Why I Do It

      Some of you who read this may know that I am a rapper.  Defined by the fact that I love to rap and I'm actually pretty good at it to be honest.  While I have no doubt in my mind that I'm not gonna be signed to any label (mostly because I don't have the kinds of resources to make a good mix tape) I still rap and freestyle all the time.  I honestly love it.

      Free styling is an awesome talent because it allows me to vent at anytime, at any place, no matter who is there or what I'm feeling.  It has helped me a lot.  I've also been writing a lot more lately.  When I write I usually put on a beat and freestyle in my head, writing it all down, and then going back and adding to the rap.
  
      The things I rap about are different then what a lot of the stuff you may hear on the radio is.  I rap mostly about myself, the mistakes of my past (there are plenty), my identity crisis, trying to make a new and better self out of all the bullshit that goes on around me.  Those are the type of subjects that I rap about the most but lately I've also rapped about people around me being fake, some problems my friends have /are going through, my brief forays with "love" and things like that.

My bro John

     I used to have a two-man rap group with one of my best friends John that we called BlackTop.  We mostly would just post our lyrics on a simple Facebook page and we recorded some stuff about a year ago but looking back we both think that stuff is pretty crappy and we've gotten a lot better.  So now we have BlackTop: REIMAGINED which we work on together but I'm also pursuing my own solo work and that's what I've been working on mostly.  I have one thing recorded so far and it is actually my Blogger profile's Audio Clip.  It does sound pretty good but it was a freestyle and I was pretty mad so I cuss quite a lot.  I mostly try and avoid a large amount of cussing in my songs.  I may say two or three in a song total hopefully so while that song (called "Forget All These Hater") does sound good I'm not that proud of it.  I actually am working on two other recordings, one is mostly finished and I'm just waiting on a girl I know to sing the hook with me and the other Im still tweaking the lyrics around.

    The second of the two is actually the first installment of this three part project I've been working on called "The Journey: Parts 1-3."  It will talk about my mission of finding out who I am now that I'm not that dark version of myself and what I should do with myself throughout my soul searching "Journey."


    "The Journey Part 1" which I'm mostly done with lyrically is about my general attitude of confusion and exasperation as of right now as I am constantly asking myself who I am and where I'm going in my life.  
    "Part 2" Will be about who I was before and Ill describe that dark person I used to be and how that path I was on affected and still affects me.  That one will most likely be the hardest rap I've done whenever I write it.  
    "Part 3" Will be about where I am now and where I hope to go with myself on my quest of self-improvment.  That one... i'm not sure how it'll turn out.  


   So anyway, there you have it.  Before I go I'll give you a sneak peak at the lyrics for part 1 so enjoy!   And later!!


The Journey pt 1


Im sittin lookin at my life
 Comin tah find the definition of the word strife
Haters comin at me wit all they dull knives
  And I don't care
Theyre never gonna respect this nigga right here
  Foreal
Uh
 And im Despised
 Or idolized,
Either way I'm recognized
 But I must admit
That All yall hatin got me demoralized
 I never fictionalize
But all y'all spread nothin but lies
 Throwing all  my success aside
rock to my face, lord of the flies

Ahhhhhh

Yeah but it's like I said
  Everything I've done I think I truly meant
And even though it's left me so far indebt
  I still walk through the day tah dat wit no regrets
Naaaaaaah
  And That's a lie
Even though I said I never
   Are you really that surprised?
So I guess I lied twice
   But please trust this cat cuz yall ain't no mice
Sometimes I exaggerate when I grab this mic
Uh

Yeah
  And I ain't even playin
Everything that's happened has rotten through my brain
  Uh All over again
It's driving me stupid- what the hell am I sayin
  Man I Can't seem tah get a grip
Why
  When i walk by
You niggas start tah trip
  And if i try tah speak you niggas gone dip
Now im On the bench, ain't playin
  Coach wont put a nigga in
That can't catch all the words that you sprayin
Well okay

So I guess I'm sittin here
 Nothin else is real, not even my nicest fears
But I'm bout tah shrug em off
  like my mommas tears
They the only ones I know
  I havent shed my own In years
So cheers
  to my control
And hold up yo cups
  Full of this patrome
And imma raise to you that I'm never give up
  I swear I'm in the zone
Uhhh
  And if I walk through, then y'all  bettah jump
Cuz imma bout tah snap
 Iike a young buck
Lower my horns
 You bout tah get trucked
So pease understand!
  I don't give a -
What?
  Oh wait
Momma ain't proud of the things I say
  She ask me what's up?
I say I'm just straight
  But she can see that I'm bent like jurassic parks gates
And I respond
  That's just my face
This rex has gone enraged
  Like a T
Pitty dis fool
  You think you know me
Please stay in school
  And all my treatment may seem cruel
  But I swear this game is so hard
And I'm trying tah follow rules
  Now back again
From errthing I've been
  I was climbing this pole but I swear I'm slippin
 In the ratings
People keep asking me why I'm  changing?
  But you don't wanna know this nigga before he ever hesitated
  So if you love life then go head and be patient
   Ive been waitin
For so long I swear I'm anxious
   Tah face it
And If you don't chill then get out my face
  Or my anger will blast this nigga inta deep space
Where I'll separate myself from the whole human race
 But they still want me reBourne
So Go ahead and trace
Me
 And my trajectory
Where am I goin?
  Man I can't even see
Im so fogged up
  You say it's the tree
But I know it's the red bloomin
  Always been my enemy
And maybe when I die itll finally cease
  I guess then I'd finally get tah fuckin rest in peace
But I doubt god will ever let me be
  ive never been lucky, it won't be that easy
Foreal
And even tho it seems kinda scary
 I realize that the pain is kinda necessary
By the end of this I'll be Legendary
 All I gotta do is set out on this ferry
Cuz It's the journey
Yeah

It's Been Awhile... (since I could hold my head up high)

   Oddly that song pretty much sums up whats going on with me this past month but I've been lately listening to mostly Drake, Lupe Fiasco, Wale, J. Cole, and OutKast.  If you wanna know what Pandora channel to create then make those because those artists have some of the chillest rap ever (Eminem still #1 though haha).
  
   But anyway, this past month or so I've been slipping in a lot of things that I've tried to better myself by and it's all pretty much destroying me.  Or at least it was.  Well, let's be honest.  It has.  Pretty thoroughly in fact.  I've been edging closer and closer to some of my past ways that I wished I would never again slip on.  It was kinda scary to be honest.  I really felt like I didn't know who the hell I was.
  
   I mean I still don't know who I am but I DO know that I'm not that dark person I used to be.  That dark person who so carelessly attempted to beat his dominance into anyone who challenged him.  That dark person who went so far as to get beat within an inch of death, and do the same to another human being.  It is because of that dark person that I wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and gasping, glad my roommate is a deep sleeper.  It is because of that dark person that I have so many scars.  Knife scars, scars on my knuckles, scars on my soul that can turn white but will never fade away.  It is because of that dark person that I'm so damaged.  Not broken, no I've been told by too many people who amazingly care for me some how to think that I was broken.  Maybe that almighty pawn shop owner in the sky will see some value in all my tarnished scrap.  Hopefully.

   Sorry, I know that was extremely depressing and if you're confused at some of the events that I hinted at; I'll tell you all in time.  Once I feel that I can tell it to the whole public to read at their leisure then I will let you all know.

  So I have slowly gotten back into the grind of school: going to classes, doing work, not avoiding my professors.  I've been relying on friends and music mostly lately to get me to smile at the day to day because honestly I usually have no reason to.  But enough of this depressing attitude!  Let us end this post on a good note!  

  The good note is that Drake's new album Take Care is almost out and it was leaked for about two days on youtube and I listened to a good amount of it and it's extremely chill.  I so cannot wait.  I even took a new Facebook profile picture specifically to rep for that OVOXO love.

So until next time yall!  Much love

OVOXO