In two days from now I will be nineteen.
Two days from now will be just another day.
I am not surprised that my birthday no longer means a whole lot to me but I am surprised just how* little it concerns me. I mean yes, it marks another year of my life but really that's just exciting for those who were alive to know a world without me. A child would hold no concerns for their anniversary of life if the traditions of gift giving had not been imparted into the "holiday"
Why should* my birthday hold meaning to me? Why more so than any other date? Why more so than January 8th, January 24th, or February 13th, all dates that hold much more significance to me?
I can think of two reasons
1. It is a day others who know me wish to give condolences and I should not deprive them of that satisfaction
2. In a year full of reasons to be angry and reasons to be in pain, why not enjoy a day that atleast begins with an inclination of happiness?
So, in short, I suppose that as an adult our birthdays begin to loose significance to us and shift from a day of selfish party-going and gift-giving to a day where those who know us may shout congrats and our day may have atleast one* more reason to be a good one
This is me
I've come to the conclusion somewhat recently that one of my greatest desires in life is that it won't be meaningless. Now what do I mean by that? I couldn't even really tell you that, it's an ever evolving thought that I only recently have come to grasp. To summarize it's current meaning to me, however, is something I can do for you, for myself.
My previous motto or meaning for life was, simply put, to live my life to the fullest without regrets so that one day I may look back and be proud of the journey I took. While I still share this dream it has changed somewhat slightly. I've come to realize that while that self assurance is all well and good, it alone will not make me happy with my years spent.
I want to live my life the way I see fit, along my own path on my own journey. I want to experience all that I can so that I may learn all that I can. I wish to regret nothing, embrace everything. And I wish to not simply fade away after my time has come with a sense of self satisfaction. I want others to learn from my time. Teach those that are lost without forcing them to see. Share my thoughts with those that would wish to hear them. From my future children to my present friends and forever strangers, I wish for anyone and everyone to be able to regard my stories as advice (with questionable reliability at worst) and learn something from me and learn of me.
I refuse to fade to nothing, depart this plane with no one to witness my absence. I will be heard, I will be remembered, I will die yet I will still live. This is my wish in life.
These stories are how I plan to make it happen.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
February 13, 2010
Today marks two years since the day that I last saw my friend who has saved my life on two different occasions, Darin.
Truthfully, Darin is the one who first got me involved in the world of blood and pain but realistically I would have eventually inserted myself into that world in a much worse way. Truthfully, I could have got out of that world on my own willpower but realistically I would have wound up dead first, if not for Darin.
Darin was there when I got my head smashed in and was there when I was looking to return the favor to anyone who looked at me the wrong way. My entire life since those moments two years ago are all because of him, all thanks to him. Happy or not, perfect or not, healed or not...
It's all thanks to him.
Thank you, Darin.
Truthfully, Darin is the one who first got me involved in the world of blood and pain but realistically I would have eventually inserted myself into that world in a much worse way. Truthfully, I could have got out of that world on my own willpower but realistically I would have wound up dead first, if not for Darin.
Darin was there when I got my head smashed in and was there when I was looking to return the favor to anyone who looked at me the wrong way. My entire life since those moments two years ago are all because of him, all thanks to him. Happy or not, perfect or not, healed or not...
It's all thanks to him.
Thank you, Darin.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Restart School, Replay Flow
Basically today I'm just saying that the new semester has officially started and I am glad for the fresh start. Already I feel better today than I ever did at all last semester. I miss some people that have left but hopefully I'll meet more.
Also to say that I dont know why but since Christmas break I've been refreshed into getting back into rapping alot. I didn't really realize that I had slowed down from it lat semester until I caught the ilness full force again over break and started writing a ton and freestyling and recording unfinished versus just to test how they sound. I've gotten back into listening to alot of underground like my man Dumbfoundead (http://www.youtube.com/user/dumbfoundead) and freestyling to random beats from youtube and what not. So yeah, I'm getting back into the things that make life managable for me. I guess it was needed.
Oh, and here are the pieces I've recorded so far:
This is a demo of one verse of Denial
http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/denial-demo
This is a demo of one verse of Proving Ground
http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/provingground-demo
This is a demo of one verse to a song i prolly wont finish. Its pretty explicit so you're warned
http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/forgettin-all-these-haters
And this is the finished (written wise) demo of a song that I like alot that I did forever ago called Something New
http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/something-new
Also to say that I dont know why but since Christmas break I've been refreshed into getting back into rapping alot. I didn't really realize that I had slowed down from it lat semester until I caught the ilness full force again over break and started writing a ton and freestyling and recording unfinished versus just to test how they sound. I've gotten back into listening to alot of underground like my man Dumbfoundead (http://www.youtube.com/user/dumbfoundead) and freestyling to random beats from youtube and what not. So yeah, I'm getting back into the things that make life managable for me. I guess it was needed.
Oh, and here are the pieces I've recorded so far:
This is a demo of one verse of Denial
http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/denial-demo
This is a demo of one verse of Proving Ground
http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/provingground-demo
This is a demo of one verse to a song i prolly wont finish. Its pretty explicit so you're warned
http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/forgettin-all-these-haters
And this is the finished (written wise) demo of a song that I like alot that I did forever ago called Something New
http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/something-new
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Beginnings
(not really)
A new semester here at SVU starts in two days and I am excited for it. I really let myself drop the ball last semester between school, unemployment, and being more "secluded" than I usually am. In fact I'm usually crazy and "the life of the party" (not my words I promise).
Anyway, I am looking forward to a fresh start in my eyes. I'll do well in school, go back to regularly working out, work on some rap with the help of some more friends who are way more talented than I, and just basically to actually have fun and try (and hopefully succede) to be happy.
So cheers to the New Year and cheers to the new semester!
2012
Let's make it poppin
A new semester here at SVU starts in two days and I am excited for it. I really let myself drop the ball last semester between school, unemployment, and being more "secluded" than I usually am. In fact I'm usually crazy and "the life of the party" (not my words I promise).
Anyway, I am looking forward to a fresh start in my eyes. I'll do well in school, go back to regularly working out, work on some rap with the help of some more friends who are way more talented than I, and just basically to actually have fun and try (and hopefully succede) to be happy.
So cheers to the New Year and cheers to the new semester!
2012
Let's make it poppin
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Look What I've Done
Today's post is basically about my self-dissapointment I've been feeling lately. In Drake's song Look What You've Done he basically is rapping to his mother and talking about their relationship and the good and bad that has come from their relationship and how it affected his change. The song is kind of like a swan song to his mother for changing him through good and bad and him reassuring her that no matter what, he will always love her.
The reason that the title of today's post is Look What I've Done is because I have been having a similar conversation with myself these last few weeks as I've come to grips with all that I've done, both good and bad, and how much it has changed me and that while overall I've become a much better version of myself then when I was 16, I still can be better and have been but have relapsed on occasion and find myself in the middle of a relapse right now. I am basically writing this post today for my benefit, to make sense of the battle over my identity that I have been having for years.
Calvin, yes you have done terrible things. You have also done wonderful things. Yes, life has sucked. It has also been amazing. Yes, you have and still feel anger beyond anything else and wish to make everyone around you as well as yourself burn for it. You have also felt great happiness with friends and family.
Yes, you may not know who you are or where you are going or why it seems to take so long. You are Calvin, you are progressing to become a better version of yourself, one without anger and hatred, and it will take as long as it must.
Everything you've done- everything I've done, is what makes up the miles of your journey. That journey is not yet over and though you may regret those steps taken, without them you could never have advanced forward towards your goal.
Calvin, Look What You've Done. You've tried to find yourself, but don't give up for you are nearing your goal. You've gone through life with your great flaws and you've overcome the worst of them.
You've done wonderful. So say again,
Look What I've Done
Thank You
The reason that the title of today's post is Look What I've Done is because I have been having a similar conversation with myself these last few weeks as I've come to grips with all that I've done, both good and bad, and how much it has changed me and that while overall I've become a much better version of myself then when I was 16, I still can be better and have been but have relapsed on occasion and find myself in the middle of a relapse right now. I am basically writing this post today for my benefit, to make sense of the battle over my identity that I have been having for years.
Calvin, yes you have done terrible things. You have also done wonderful things. Yes, life has sucked. It has also been amazing. Yes, you have and still feel anger beyond anything else and wish to make everyone around you as well as yourself burn for it. You have also felt great happiness with friends and family.
Yes, you may not know who you are or where you are going or why it seems to take so long. You are Calvin, you are progressing to become a better version of yourself, one without anger and hatred, and it will take as long as it must.
Everything you've done- everything I've done, is what makes up the miles of your journey. That journey is not yet over and though you may regret those steps taken, without them you could never have advanced forward towards your goal.
Calvin, Look What You've Done. You've tried to find yourself, but don't give up for you are nearing your goal. You've gone through life with your great flaws and you've overcome the worst of them.
You've done wonderful. So say again,
Look What I've Done
Thank You
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