This is me

I've come to the conclusion somewhat recently that one of my greatest desires in life is that it won't be meaningless. Now what do I mean by that? I couldn't even really tell you that, it's an ever evolving thought that I only recently have come to grasp. To summarize it's current meaning to me, however, is something I can do for you, for myself.

My previous motto or meaning for life was, simply put, to live my life to the fullest without regrets so that one day I may look back and be proud of the journey I took. While I still share this dream it has changed somewhat slightly. I've come to realize that while that self assurance is all well and good, it alone will not make me happy with my years spent.

I want to live my life the way I see fit, along my own path on my own journey. I want to experience all that I can so that I may learn all that I can. I wish to regret nothing, embrace everything. And I wish to not simply fade away after my time has come with a sense of self satisfaction. I want others to learn from my time. Teach those that are lost without forcing them to see. Share my thoughts with those that would wish to hear them. From my future children to my present friends and forever strangers, I wish for anyone and everyone to be able to regard my stories as advice (with questionable reliability at worst) and learn something from me and learn of me.

I refuse to fade to nothing, depart this plane with no one to witness my absence. I will be heard, I will be remembered, I will die yet I will still live. This is my wish in life.

These stories are how I plan to make it happen.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Life Is Weird

  Holy shit, life is fucking crazy.  

  The last time I updated this crap-in-the-dark blog was over three years ago.  How different was my mind state then?  How different was my thinking?  My life?  So much shit has happened and I have changed in so many ways.The leap in time is spectacular and honestly it fits into how I have been feeling as of late.  

  Before I get too in depth with this, understand that I am drunk as fuck right now and am essentially vomiting all over my keyboard in order to give you an idea of how my mind works.  I am a fun drunk, starting off as an affectionate and lively participant in any and all activity.  However at some point, almost every time, there comes a point where my mind catches up to me and my usual walls locking away past memories collapse under the weight of fighting off drunken-stupor insanity and I therefore loose my mind.  Flashbacks of my past assault my mind and conscious and soul and cause me to completely alter my personality much too early into the party.  

  It is happening right fucking now, as I type. 

  Once I hit that point, there's no stopping it (at this point I have found none that is effective) and I enslave myself to unnecessary pain and anger that were previously locked away by a much more alert, much more sober brain.  Tonight it was memories of crimes I committed.  Other nights it's things I witnessed.  Worse nights still it is memories of a love ending.  Regardless, it isn't pretty and it sends my already intoxicated soul into tailspins.  So what better time to get back on the horse, back to this forum, and allow myself to vent raw?  

   There is no better time.  Reality knocks and once you fail to open the door it breaks the motherfucker down and drags you out of bed and brings you to become a witness in the crime you most dread to see.  At that point you have two choices: you give in to the piss-poor pity party attitude and feel down on your life when I can gaurentee it ain't special, or you get the fuck over your bullshit.  The sun will still rise, the mind will still wander, and the memories will come forth and sabotage your chance of redemption in your own eyes.  What shapes you as a human who evolves and adapts to your baggage isn't the hand you were dealt (or dealt yourself), it is how you react and act in response to the unforgettable memories.  How you react to the unforgivable atrocities.  How you you prepare for the unforeseen consequences.  

  Still, this is life.  The bitch will knock.  Will you answer her call or waste away dreading her invitation?  
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