Look What I've Done

  Today's post is basically about my self-dissapointment I've been feeling lately.  In Drake's song Look What You've Done he basically is rapping to his mother and talking about their relationship and the good and bad that has come from their relationship and how it affected his change.  The song is kind of like a swan song to his mother for changing him through good and bad and him reassuring her that no matter what, he will always love her.

  The reason that the title of today's post is Look What I've Done is because I have been having a similar conversation with myself these last few weeks as I've come to grips with all that I've done, both good and bad, and how much it has changed me and that while overall I've become a much better version of myself then when I was 16, I still can be better and have been but have relapsed on occasion and find myself in the middle of a relapse right now.  I am basically writing this post today for my benefit, to make sense of the battle over my identity that I have been having for years.

   Calvin, yes you have done terrible things.  You have also done wonderful things.  Yes, life has sucked. It has also been amazing.  Yes, you have and still feel anger beyond anything else and wish to make everyone around you as well as yourself burn for it.  You have also felt great happiness with friends and family.

  Yes, you may not know who you are or where you are going or why it seems to take so long.  You are Calvin, you are progressing to become a better version of yourself, one without anger and hatred, and it will take as long as it must.

  Everything you've done- everything I've done, is what makes up the miles of your journey.  That journey is not yet over and though you may regret those steps taken, without them you could never have advanced forward towards your goal.

  Calvin, Look What You've Done.  You've tried to find yourself, but don't give up for you are nearing your goal.  You've gone through life with your great flaws and you've overcome the worst of them.

  You've done wonderful.  So say again,

  Look What I've Done

  Thank You

Fiction With A Little FUS-ROH-DA

            Well, today I decided to share a little insight on one of my favorite hobbies and what I do with it; writing.  I have always been a good writer (or at least that’s what “they” tell me) and I really enjoy writing short stories and poetry/rap (I will always argue that Rap.Is.Poetry).  I hate writing essays but always get 95+ on them.  Meh.  So I decided to clue you guys in to some of the fiction I write as well as how I am role-playing (RP) in the amazing game Skyrim.  So first, a brief overview of what exactly I write. 

           

            I mostly am working on two series of fiction.  The first is a modern/ near-future action/espionage story about an 18-year-old boy that grows to serve in the Marines and later recruited into the Special Forces and becomes a part of an in-depth conspiracy between a conglomeration of terrorist cells that is hell bent to start WW3.  If you have ever been in one of my creative writing classes with me then you know a little bit about the main character probably.  I won’t go in-depth right now though. 

            The second series is a hell of a lot longer as I am setting up a universe in which to hold my middle-ages-esque environments, characters, and conflicts.  This universe I will most likely use for several series of tales within the same narrative universe.  For example, I already know of a general outline of the amount of stories I wish to tell with this universe I create.  All being under the missive: Songs of Kamikari.  In chronological order:

• ·      The Ethereal War (at least one book but probably two)
• ·      The Wolves of the Shade (two or three books)
• ·      The Rise of the Guardians (one or two books)
• ·      Enemies of the Shadowlands (trilogy)
• ·      The Legends of the New Era (trilogy)

And probably more.  As you can see that is quite a lot of fiction but it works with the massive size of the universe that I have thought up of in my head.  Like it’s lore between the deities of the planet that are centered in The Ethereal War, the elite guild of warriors that serve under the said deities are centered in The Rise of the Guardians in which the main character of this series is the same as that of The Wolves of the Shade.  The Enemies of the Shadowlands tells of the main character of the previous series’ son’s journey in the midst of an extremely groundbreaking war between multiple races, nations, and a revitalized main villain from The Wolves of the Shade.  This series immediately bleeds over into The Legends of the New Era as the previous series main character comes closer to his goal in a dynamically altered environment due to some plot twists during the ending of the previous series. 

            So as you can see, I have created this web of tales to be told within this universe that I have created.  Now, to get to my point about Skyrim. 

            Being that Skyrim is an excellent RP game and it is the first game in the Elder Scrolls series that I have played I have decided to take my playthrough of the game seriously RP wise.  This includes me creating and sticking to a fictional character that I create in game and creating this character’s backstory and playing the game acting according to how I would “write” his tale if it were another story within my universe.  Now, while I by no means intend to ever use any of this RP for anything more substantial than some fan fiction short stories, mostly because that the lore of the Elder Scrolls hardly fits into my universe of Kamikari.  In my Songs of Kamikari  series, dragons are not widespreadly trying to kill everyone and being wiped-out without impunity.  No, rather they are an actual race in my world that has there own land being that I stick to popular and preferred dragon lore such as their depictions in LOTR, Eragon, and Skyrim.  Also, the bond between the mortals and my ethereal deities is more of a religious respect as my deities actually have a complicated Hierarchal system within their divine plain that is several layers deep. 

            As of this point in time the lore for my series that I have most solidified is that of my Divine Beings, The Order of the Guardians, and The Kenori Clan (the central conflict of The Wolves of the Shade).  It is my lore of my divine beings that I am using for my current character in Skyrim. 

First let me list out how my ethereal beings’ hierarchy is set up, all of it being broken up into the over twenty elements of power that the whole series is centered around.  There is generally one of each level for every element of power (over twenty):

·      The Centurion

o   Ultimate beings that created existence itself.  They are the incarnation of the elements that they represent and all of the Vuhr (mana) comes from them

o   They lay dormant unless forced awoken due to some traumatic disturbance of their Vuhr (this happens in The Ethereal War)

o   Don’t content with the affairs of the mortal plain as they must watch over the balance of the universe that they created and maintain

·      The Gods

o   The Next level of the divinity, the Gods are the most powerful beings in the universe second only to their parents, The Centurion.  The Gods live in the divine realm and watch over the balance of the mortal plain that they dictate over as well as the connection between the mortal and the ethereal plains that is the Vuhr Sheath

o   The Gods (like in most polytheistic worship in both fiction and reality) have an altered and pure sense of morality and thus every god is not inherently evil or benevolent but merely are Just within their own interpretation.  Mortals just tend not to have the breadth of scope to observe this fact. 

o   Most widely worshipped by those of the mortal plain.  Any mortal chooses their own personal god based on either said God’s Element of Power, what the god represents, and/or the land that they have watched over since their creation (It is said that any particular God’s Palace in the Ethereal realm lies directly above their corresponding “governed” land of the mortal plain.  It is a belief by the mortals that the particular land is the “Foundation of their Lord”.  Whether or not this is true is not known.)

o   The God’s have several forms, in order of less to greater

§  Their Mortal Form.  Generally resembles a mortal body of their choosing.  Represents the God whilst at peace.  Often referred to in myths and fables about The God’s trips to the mortal plain.  However, the God’s don’t have to be in mortal form to be in the mortal plain
§  Their Beast Form.  Each God takes the form of some kinf of beast.  For example, God Vuhr Pyro Salamandra (The God of Fire) takes the form of a powerful, burning dragon.  This form can also venture to the mortal plain without disturbing the Vuhr Sheath
§  Their Daemonic Form.  Each God has a form that is taken in act of war and hostility and represents that god’s raw power.  For example, while Salamandra’s beast form is a dragon, his Daemonic form is that of a dragon-shaped fiend of living fire, forever burning with disintegrating flames.  This form begins to disturb the Vuhr Sheath and is not used unless necessary.
§  Their True Form.  Every God has a from that is somewhat of a combination of their true human-like form and their true beast form.  Salamandra’s is that of an astounding warrior, the size of a tall human, with a burning tail, burning wings, and dragon-hard skin.  Any time a God is in the mortal plain in their true form the place that they enhabit  forever holds a fluctuation in the Vuhr Sheath.  These places are sought out by mortals as worship sites since essence of ethereal has a rare chance of leaking through and causing miraculous wondering in the mortal plain, such as the ever-burning Charr Rock that houses the capital of dragon kin. 

·      The Amvastbars of the Gods

o   The “carls” of the God’s, the Amvastbars are the next powerful being of a Vuhr (Element of Power) and are forever sworn to their God’s service in divine partnership. 

o   While the God’s rarely cross over into the mortal plain, the Amvastbars more frequently (but still rarely) cross over and act out the will of their lords

o   All Amvastbars take the form of an animal or beast and are the second corresponding animal of any given Vuhr that is worshipped by the mortals.  For example, Salamandra’s beast form is a great, burning dragon whilst his Amvastbar’s is that of a majestic phoenix so any mortal that worships Vuhr Pyro (The Power of Fire) considers all dragons and phoenixes’ sacred. 

·      The Vasel’s of the Gods

o   The Vasel’s are the last of the hierarchy that belongs to the divine realm.  The Vasel’s are a fallen warrior of a particular Vuhr that, upon death, is favored by their God and are ordained with a direct link to the Vuhr of the Ender-Furl (the domain of the Centurion, A direct link to the Ender-Furl provides for a tapable source of unlimited Vuhr of the Centurions.  Only Gods, Amvastbars, and Vasels have this direct connection.) that provides them with limitless Vuhr to enact their God’s will. 

o   Any given God can only house three Vasel’s at a time and upon a Vasel’s dismissal they continue on to live in the divine realm (the divine realm is the after life one goes to upon their death). 

o   Since Vasel’s no longer belong in the world of the living, they can only cross over to the mortal plain for direct business of the gods and are depicted in legend as fallen warriors that later return to defeat whole armies in a single fell swoop. 

·      The Bridge of the Gods

o   More commonly known to mortals as Elders of Vuhr, The Bridges of the God’s are the mortal prophets that the Gods choose to maintain a direct connection to the mortal plain without the binding effects of the Vuhr Sheath.  There can be seven members of any God’s Bridge and when all seven combine their Vuhr together they can open a rift in the Sheath to allow free travel inbetween the Plains as long as they can maintain the Vuhr.  Hence the name “Bridge”. 

o   Even though the Gods, Amvastbars, and Vasels can cross over whenever they see fit, doing so creates a distortion in the Sheath which can eventually cause severe damage to the Sheath and thus destroy the portion of both mortal and divine plains and risking the awakening of the Centurion which would be detrimental to both plains. 

o   The ability of The Bridge allows for safe travel without the risk of fluctuation.  However in order to do so The Elders must become one with the Sheath through chant.  This requires great amounts of energy and if held for too long then Elders will begin to die and the rift will collapse, creating a black hole that instantly destroys the Vuhr Sheath of the area.  This is why The Bridge of the Gods cannot overuse their ability.  (So it’s not overpowered). 

·      The Guardians of the Gods

o   The last of the divine hierarchy.  The Guardians are the most mortal out of all of the divines.  They have no connection with the Vuhr of the Ender-Furl until they become strong enough to consummate themselves in their Vuhr for brief moments within combat. 

o   The Order of the Guardians is constantly recruiting young warriors and sheltering them within The Order’s Headquarters, rearing them up in the proper education of the Gods.  Once a warrior reaches the age that which Vuhr can become malleable, they are tested and the top students are brought to the annual Passing of Vuhr ritual in which the Bridge judge the students before them to trace if they have a possibility of becoming a Guardian.  If approved, The Bridge Summon all of the student’s particular Vuhr’s Divine and if the Vasel and the Amvastbar both approve then the student must come before their God as he plants within them a miniscule seed of their Vuhr that would kill anyone not suited to become Guardian.  The reason both divines must approve before the god intervenes is because if the student cannot contain the God’s bestowed Vuhr then they most typically die. 

o   Once student consumes the God’s Vuhr then they are the chosen to withhold the mantle of the God as his mortal servant and savior of all mortals. 

o   The Guardians are equipped with unique weapons and armor that adapts to the particular Guardian’s skill and has an “overcharged” mode when the Guardian activates his armor and then charges it with his Vuhr or Vuhr that can be stored in Power Crystals. 

o   There can only ever be two living Guardians of a specific Vuhr at any given time.  One male and another female.  Race does not matter.  While it appears random to many who observe the ceremony it is actually known to the Gods who the chosen guardians are but they put them through the final test because it is what awakens their power and any who die in the process are invited into the highest halls of the Ethereal

            As of right now, In Skyrim I have a level 42 Kajhiit and I have only completed the main quest up to where you fight the first resurrected dragon and I have already completed the Companion’s Guild storyline and have started that of the Thieves’ Guild.  My character is named Krae after one of my ethereal beings.  Krae is the Wolf God of Shadow and Hidden Ferocity.  One thing that I have been toying with whether or not to do for a possible story arch in my series is whether or not at some point the Gods take turns to ascend to the Ender-Furl to commune with the Centurion and the only way they return to their throne afterwards is by reincarnating into their mortal form and they must live out a mortal life until they get to the point where they reclaim their connection with the Vuhr of the Ender-Furl and ascend to their God seat once again.  I was toying with the idea of featuring one of the most important (plot wise) Gods go through this process and so basically that’s what I am Role Playing in Skyrim.  My Kajhiit is the reincarnated Wolf Shadow God (ironic I know but at least he's a werewolf) and he must journey to the Ethereal to reclaim his God Vuhr (since I know you go to Savengarde it kinda works).  Of course, for it to not be completely predictable when I write it I’ll have Krae have no memory/knowledge of his divinity but he is naturally drawn towards the path that leads him back to his Vuhr.  Obviously I have no “Dragonborn” concept of absorbing dragon souls and shouting but I can (for the game at least) pretend that the dragonborn ability is a sign of divinity and since I know you journey into Savengarde later then Krae will actually return to the Ethereal. 

            It’s not perfect but it’s fun for me to play as one of my favorite divines I’ve created but with amnesia and as a cat (that turns into a werewolf though which is like Krae’s beast form except Krae’s actual Beast Form is much more badass). 

So yeah, I didn’t realize how long this would be but you can’t  say that it isn’t interesting.  Well happy slaying!

Fuuuuus… ROH DA!!!!!!!!!! 

Darin's Parting Words

   Today I decided to share with you all one of the most personal experiences of my life.  It happened almost two years ago and I've never told anyone, until last night.  A friend of mine seemed to be going through something that reminded me of this moment and so I told them, being the first time I've verbalized this moment ever.  Here is what I said and the words that I have taken to be my motto for life.

  " You know, one of my best friends back home told me something once that has effectively shaped my desire to put up with the tough slog of life. My friend, Darin, had just saved my life two weeks prior and had stopped me from doing something that would have forever ruined my life just three days before he told me one thing.

I was at a point where life seemed as if it were some great mountain that which in order for me to succeed in, I would have to take the ardurous journey up to the peak, but if I turned back towards the base that I had been accustomed to for the past two years, I would have an easy journey but would forever be on the ground, wishing of the possibilities of the peak.  When I explained this to Darin (in these exact words) he merely looked at me and said:
 "Calvin, if you decide to view life as some great slog up a mountain then what stops you from getting to the top?"

"Because I keep falling." I had answered. "everytime I get to a stable point some rock comes loose and I fall back down. And falling... Failing hurts.".

With that he merely looked me in the eye and said "Have you tried falling in reverse?"

And the next day he left for the Marine Corp and I haven't seen him in almost two years.  But his words stuck with me and have become somewhat of my motto. For awhile I wasn't sure exactly what they meant but recently I have interpreted them as the fact that, yes, life is hard and, yes, we will fall at times but as long as we get back up and don't allow ourselves to fall too far, eventually we will succeed.

And I will reach the peak of my mountain.  "

This is me retelling the incredibly powerful departing conversation I had with Darin.  The one person I've told this to, before you all, I hope has taken into account the fact that I decided to tell them.  I also hope that that person will feel free to talk to me whenever they want to vent.  Not to brag but I'm one hell of a listener.  

Opening Up

   Well, for today's post I figure I would talk about something that means a lot to me.  Why this topic?  I have no idea.  But whatever.
  
    Well, for me opening up is hard.  Like extremely difficult for me to do.  Because of this I'm usually seen as a "loner" or sometimes people just assume that I think that I'm too good to talk to them or something.  Neither of these things is true whatsoever.  See, I have swag and what I mean by swag is confidence being that that is the actual meaning of the word swag.  That confidence (or swag) bleeds over into people's persona thus inspiring nicer clothes and the other things that are usually associated with swag.  But anyway, with this confidence I don't care about hate and fear and being a "Beta" (basically the opposite of swag) and all of that "I need to impress" bullshit.  All of it means nothing to me.

    Now you can se why people assume that I'm conceited right?

    So I don't open up to a lot of people.  Well, actually that isn't true.  I do open up eventually nut I only open up to my friends.  You see for me, friendship is the most important thing to me in all of my experiences of life up to this point.  Friends have saved me, both literally and figuratively, have helped me better myself, have inspired me, and have basically motivated me to grow from the destructive whelp I used to be to the much more polite, calmer, more chill, and all-around better person I am now.  That being said there is still always room to improve and I know this beyond anything else.  But my point with friendship is that I truly care about all of my friends more than I do myself.  I feel that I owe myself to every friend I have had and will have.  And to be honest, I kinda do.

   So I do open up eventually but only to my friends and at that to friends that I'm closer to (at least in my mind) and that I feel somehow that one of us will benefit from my opening up and explaining what makes me me.  I don't know what causes me to decide on which friends I feel this way towards or not.  It's probably the spirit but then again it based on what I explain about myself it very well may not be.  I have no idea.

   Now, I would have no problem with opening up to everyone except for one reason that I explained earlier.  Haters.  I don't deal with hatin BS and that comes with me not giving haters fuel to burn me with. This works out generally well for me.  But the only problem I face when I open up to my friends is the fact that, to be honest, one of the big things that makes me me is highly unbelievable being the fact that it's the kind of thing people usually only see in movies but when it comes to me, I've lived it.  being the fact that this is highly unbelievable (and I don't blame anyone who doesn't believe me) sometimes when I open up to friends, friends turn to skeptics and usually eventually stop being friends.  It's happened enough to teach me to not tell all of my friends but only those I feel I can trust with a pice of me the most because to be honest, the "unbelievable" story is what has made me the better person that I am today and while I hold no grudge with anyone who doesn't believe me, I would rather not have to face someone who doesn't know the old me whatsoever to try and tell me that my astounding growth as a person isn't real.

   Sorry for the rant but this is a very important thing to me.  But know one thing, if I ever have or ever do explain to you what I am referring to you (and trust me, when it happens you'll know) then know that I consider you among my friends that for whatever reason I feel that I am closer to and can trust in more.  Just saying.