It's all just a matter of Time

    Time does seem to be a fleeting thing.  It pretends to come and go, making us feel older and younger, when in truth it is a constant flow; a steady reminder of hours, days, weeks, months, years spent in our ever moving lives.  Time gives us our understanding for pain, for patience, for sorrow, for peace.  Without time, these things would have little impact on us.  Time measures the number of ways over a number of experiences in which you've been hurt, it measures our steady wish for time to go faster, it measures the number of weeks since we've last seen those we care about, and it measures the memories from our nostalgia.  Time is a bitch, but without her we couldn't know any of the joys of life just as we wouldn't know the pains.  So in a way, Time is a bitch.  In more of a way, we're all sons of bitches.

    So I haven't posted anything on here for about four months and in that time I've had both great and terrible experiences.  So here's the long update in chronological order.

   Well just around the time after my nineteenth birthday I met/started hanging out with Sasha and Justin along with my other great friends Jake, Fletch, Dan, and Cadi.  I would add Josh to this list but he was so busy being all off campus and having a girl friend and blah blah that we didn't hang out as much.  Still my nigga though.  With these two hilarious additions our crew expanded and we had many merry adventures including frequent late night trips to Leehi's and the time we went to the parkway at night and the girls were too scared to get out of the car and everyone claimed to be seeing some "light in the trees" total bullshit.  Anyhoo...

THE CREW

   My group of friends is awesome and is honestly the best thing that ever happened to me in that godforsaken state.  Multiple late night Walmart "shopping" runs, latenights watching movies, and playing Magic/Tichu/Poker/Starcraft and other hilarious memories will forever be among the few highlights of my time at SVU.  It was good to know that there were other normal people in a school fueled by the insane.

   Another highlight of these four months is that after a ton more issues with the Honor Council and me going through a lot of rehashing of buried regrets I somehow was able to finally tell my parents my the majority of my problems, arising from when I was 14 until around 17.  The whole gang stuff, me almost being killed, me almost
killing someone else, all my anger, stories from when I was around the wrong kind of people, things I'd seen, things I'd done, how I drank, how I smoked, how I messed around, how I was extremely violent and always angry, how I wasn't sure if I believed in a god, and how I frankly didn't give a shit about the church.

   It was quite the conversation.

   Well, since those conversations (note the plural) a lot of things got much better as far as my relationship with my parents.  There are still some things about them since that bug me, most arent that big of a deal but a few are big problems to me.  But all in all, I am closer to them now, which is ironic since I don't live with them anymore.

   Well another thing that happened in this interum is that the SVU Dance Company (featuring Calvin Buchanan apparently) had our Spring Recital!  Which went great minus the several technical hiccups but since I didn't work on those I laughed my ass off about them.  But the dancing was great!  it felt good to know that all our hard work paid off!  Previously I had finished "teaching" the first hip hop routine I've ever choreographed alongside my wonderful and talented friend Sarah who taught me the finer aspects of choreo and it felt great to have contributed to the show in such a way as too have co-choreographed one of the most fun routines (I am biased I know)!

   I also had my own solo performance in which I wanted to express some things that I was going through at the time with accepting past wrongs and changing for the better to become the kind of person I want to be. 

                         

SVU Dance Company after our Spiritual Contemporary

   Some other things that happened are that my whole courtroom thing for when I was arrested is finally over.  It resolved after over 6 friggin months with just a fine.  Just a fine.  On one hand I now owe the town of Buena Vista over 300 bucks but on the other that whole process is over so whatever.  One less thing.

   When the school year began drawing to a close I was told that I would not be allowed back to SVU for the next fall semester and that the earliest I could return would be the Spring Semester.  And since I had another ad dismal semester of a 1.0 GPA I would have to complete a semester at another school and finish with a 2.5 or higher before I am allowed back.  While I don't really care a whole lot, I do want to go back to SVU for the spring just for Dance Company and that it's free tuition.

  Well that's about all of the catching up.  Right now I live with my grandparents all the way in Orem, Utah.  i rode several trains over the course of about 50 hours across the country and am ready for a fresh start here, away from reminders of my past, away from negative environments, and ready to live my life the way I want to live it:  To the best of my ability, to the fullest, with no regrets so that I can be proud of myself at my deathbed because it's my life and i'll only get to live it once.  

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

Birthday

In two days from now I will be nineteen.
Two days from now will be just another day.

I am not surprised that my birthday no longer means a whole lot to me but I am surprised just how* little it concerns me. I mean yes, it marks another year of my life but really that's just exciting for those who were alive to know a world without me. A child would hold no concerns for their anniversary of life if the traditions of gift giving had not been imparted into the "holiday"

Why should* my birthday hold meaning to me? Why more so than any other date?  Why more so than January 8th, January 24th, or February 13th, all dates that hold much more significance to me?

I can think of two reasons

   1. It is a day others who know me wish to give condolences and I should not deprive them of that satisfaction
   2. In a year full of reasons to be angry and reasons to be in pain, why not enjoy a day that atleast begins with an inclination of happiness?


So, in short, I suppose that as an adult our birthdays begin to loose significance to us and shift from a day of selfish party-going and gift-giving to a day where those who know us may shout congrats and our day may have atleast one* more reason to be a good one

February 13, 2010

  Today marks two years since the day that I last saw my friend who has saved my life on two different occasions, Darin.

  Truthfully, Darin is the one who first got me involved in the world of blood and pain but realistically I would have eventually inserted myself into that world in a much worse way.  Truthfully, I could have got out of that world on my own willpower but realistically I would have wound up dead first, if not for Darin.

  Darin was there when I got my head smashed in and was there when I was looking to return the favor to anyone who looked at me the wrong way.  My entire life since those moments two years ago are all because of him, all thanks to him.  Happy or not, perfect or not, healed or not...

  It's all thanks to him.

  Thank you, Darin.

Restart School, Replay Flow

  Basically today I'm just saying that the new semester has officially started and I am glad for the fresh start.  Already I feel better today than I ever did at all last semester.  I miss some people that have left but hopefully I'll meet more.

  Also to say that I dont know why but since Christmas break I've been refreshed into getting back into rapping alot.  I didn't really realize that I had slowed down from it lat semester until I caught the ilness full force again over break and started writing a ton and freestyling and recording unfinished versus just to test how they sound.  I've gotten back into listening to alot of underground like my man Dumbfoundead (http://www.youtube.com/user/dumbfoundead) and freestyling to random beats from youtube and what not.  So yeah, I'm getting back into the things that make life managable for me.  I guess it was needed.

Oh, and here are the pieces I've recorded so far:

This is a demo of one verse of Denial

http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/denial-demo


This is a demo of one verse of Proving Ground

http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/provingground-demo


This is a demo of one verse to a song i prolly wont finish.  Its pretty explicit so you're warned

http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/forgettin-all-these-haters


And this is the finished (written wise) demo of a song that I like alot that I did forever ago called Something New

http://soundcloud.com/blacktop4life/something-new

New Beginnings

(not really)

A new semester here at SVU starts in two days and I am excited for it.  I really let myself drop the ball last semester between school, unemployment, and being more "secluded" than I usually am.  In fact I'm usually crazy and "the life of the party" (not my words I promise).

Anyway, I am looking forward to a fresh start in my eyes.  I'll do well in school, go back to regularly working out, work on some rap with the help of some more friends who are way more talented than I, and just basically to actually have fun and try (and hopefully succede) to be happy.

So cheers to the New Year and cheers to the new semester!

2012

Let's make it poppin